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mary g.'s avatar

My Mother is a Trampoline

The last time I saw my mother, she was dead. She looked her same old self, except that she was no longer breathing. Or smiling. She wasn’t opening her eyes wide like an owl. She wasn’t saying anything, like, your thighs are so big. She wasn’t moving in her usual way, which was always bouncing up and down, up and down. I said to my mother, I love you, mom, and—as usual—she didn’t say anything in return. Well, she was dead. I paid a therapist a zillion dollars to answer me one question: did my mother love me? Well, sometimes yes, and sometimes no. Up and down, up and down. When we put her in the ground, I didn’t expect her to bounce back up, but here she is, most days, looking me in the eye, tutting at my thighs, asking me about my hair. I say, ma, I don’t want to hear it, but good luck with that. The dead mother is in my backyard right now. I’ve locked the doors, but I can hear her out there, jumping up and down.

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Julie Sunderland's avatar

My Toddlers are a Pack of Robbers

My partner and I have a long-running marital feud.

He does not like having cleaners invade his personal space.

He also does not like to tidy up, preferring to create elaborate organizational schemes that he expects to be self-cleaning.

After a few months of cleaning up his socks which propagate around the house like little soft animals with dust bunny tails, I get angry and insist that we hire a cleaner.

This arrangement lasts a few months after which he fires the cleaners because he doesn’t like the quality of the work.

He promises that he will share the cleaning, which lasts a few months. Then we repeat the cycle.

The arrival of an unexpected overabundance of small children accelerates the frequency and amplitude of this cycle.

He organizes the toddlers into a cleaning brigade with buckets with their names on them filled with scrub brushes, spray bottles of various cleaning fluids, and rechargeable drills with brushes affixed to the end. They are suited up in safety glasses and neon rubber gloves that reach their arm pits. They think it is huge fun to whir the drill brushes across the tiles, aim bright blue squirts into the toilet, and then get paid in Legos. The toddler cleaning brigade lasts a month.

After spending 5 hours of my precious Saturday mornings cleaning the filthy house, I am filled with primal rage, and we again hire a cleaner.

The cleaners come once a week, my favorite day, arriving home to a tidy, peaceful house.

The next day, it looks like a pack of robbers has broken in, ransacked the house and left with nothing.

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