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mary g.'s avatar

How to Host a Dinner Party

Choose a date. Any date. It doesn’t matter because you’re going to have to change it anyway because Rod will be working late again.

Think about who you might like to invite. There’s always the Wilsons, though the Wilsons don’t like the Gordons, and you owe the Gordons for the time they had you over two years ago and Willy barfed in their pool. But if you invite the Gordons, you’ll have to invite the Ebenharts and that’s a problem because Kelly Ebenhart doesn’t talk to you anymore, even though it’s not your fault that Don Ebenhart has eyes in his head and those eyes are always aimed at your chest.

So not the Gordons and not the Ebenharts. Maybe the Wilsons. But oh my God, Marcy Wilson is so boring.

The Daningers. Invite the Daningers. You’re always saying, we should have the Daningers for dinner. And Rod’s always saying, who are the Daningers? And you’re always saying, they live right next door to us. And Rod’s always saying, look, one of us has to work around here, we can’t all know the neighbors. And you’re always saying, this is the reason we never have sex. And Rod’s always saying, the reason we never have sex is because you let yourself go. And you’re always saying, Don Ebenhart doesn’t think so! And Rod’s always saying, that fucker Don Ebenhart. And you’re always saying, it’s not like you’re not looking at Kelly Ebenhart’s boobs! And Rod’s always saying, well she doesn’t seem to mind, not like some people I could mention. And you’re always saying, save it for the marriage counselor. And Rod’s always saying, I’m not going to that god damned marriage counselor anymore. And you’re always saying, that’s because you don’t really want to fix things. And Rod’s always saying, you’re right, I don’t, I’ve had it, I’m done! And you’re always saying, I planned a dinner party and NOW you’re walking out?

When Maggie Daninger calls to ask what she can bring, ask her to please bring the entire dinner and also would she mind if you just came to her house?

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Tod Cheney's avatar

I understand the political situation makes you nervous, but I wonder just a little bit if you aren’t overreacting. You’re ordering lots of stuff, spending lots of money, and I’m just wondering. This morning arrived the six pallets of cinder blocks and a hand truck to move them. You’ve made drawings of embrasure designs for the roof. The garage is filled with case lots of ravioli, mac and cheese, brown bread and beans, peaches and cherries and pears. Stuff keeps rolling in. An Humvee you bought at auction, also tents, cooking gear. Now here’s a text from you saying you’ve gone to a gun show in Texas. This just might be a deal breaker, Texas of all places. But you’re visiting the Alamo and it’s brought tears to your eyes because when you were a little girl you loved Davy Crockett and wanted to marry him and live in a log cabin where he grew up in Tennessee. For years you denied he was killed at the Alamo, but finally acknowledged that a man born in 1786 would be 238 years old now if alive, and well, you wondered what your sex life would look like. Then you asked if I was jealous of Davy Crockett, and I admit I was in awe of the “King of the Wild Frontier,” myself at one time, and anyone born on a mountain top must be pretty cool. Liam, you remind me, Davy killed a bar when he was three. He patched the crack in the Liberty Bell. for crying out loud. I’m sorry Liam. When you told me about the bar, and the Liberty Bell, I could hear it in your voice. You were living the Ballad. Davy’s coming back with me Liam. He’s going to help with the design of the embrasures, he’s going to hunt deer and smoke venison, and Liam, get this, he’s going to make me a coonskin cap. But what about your sex life, I say, you know, with a guy that old. You know, Davy and I, Liam, we talk about things. We’re close. That’s what sex is about Liam. Think about that.

And that’s what I’m doing, thinking. Yeah, while I mow the lawn, edge the sidewalk, spread mulch, clean the gutters, blow off the sidewalks, scrub the oil stain on the driveway and get the grill going for the bison burgers.

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