Danielle sat on an uncomfortable chair in a room painted white with pretty photos on all four walls. In her left hand, she held a clipboard with a questionnaire on it. In her right, a pencil with a large eraser. She didn’t like waiting. She forced herself to read and try to answer the questions in front of her.
1—Do you eat in secret?
Danielle wrote No. Then she thought about why she was here and decided to tell the truth. Well maybe not the whole truth but some of it. She tried to erase the No but made a huge grey smudge on the paper. So much for hiding your lies.
“Sometimes I do.” She wrote.
2—Do you go off and on diets repeatedly?
Is there anyone in the world who doesn’t, thought Danielle. What kind of quiz is this?
Of course I do. I’ve been dieting my entire life. Why don’t you ask me if any of them have been successful?
3—Do you restrict certain foods sometimes but binge on them at other times?
Danielle pondered the question. She wasn’t sure she understood what they were asking her. When she dieted, she would try to fast all day, eat nothing, and then most days would binge in the evening. Did they want to know that? Would she be sitting here, five foot five and two hundred pounds if she didn’t have a problem with her weight? Why weren’t they asking her about her weight or weighing her in like they did at Weight Watchers. Maybe she’d made a mistake by coming here.
4—Do you obsessively read health and fitness magazines and diet books?
Oh come on, she thought. What kind of question is this? Everyone needs to know about nutrition. You might get cancer if you don’t. I just have a weight problem. I’m going to give them one more chance.
5—Do you steal, hide or hoard food?
I am an honest person, Danielle told herself as there was no one else in the room to tell. I would never steal food. I take food out of friends’ refrigerators but I’m sure they don’t mind. And man, when I used to babysit, I’d eat whatever I could find. But that was part of the payment. Everyone knows that. Hiding? Hoarding? They must get some real sick people here at this eating disorders place. I mean everyone buys things when they are on sale and puts them away for later. It’s the American thing to do. I’m putting No to all three.
6—Do you eat when you are not hungry?
I don’t know. I’m always hungry. Should I write that? Danielle bit into the eraser of the pencil
So difficult, this world of an eating disorder, yet somehow this form/structure allows us to really enter and feel things. Love that you chose this subject. So well done!
This was beautiful and painful to read Sara. I think the quiz form works so well here - it allows us to enter the mind of a person with an eating disorder and have a much better, nuanced, and compassionate understanding. I will return to this I think. Thank you!
Q1: Your children need help with their homework, their math homework, issued by the new teacher at the Downingtown Academy, where you have them enrolled because that's where all the parents from the Downingtown Country Club send their kids. In response you:
A) Compliment them for all the answers they have gotten correct so far and you help them discover the rest of them by asking helpful questions, since you haven't done algebra in years and know you can't solve the problems but you do remember it had something to do with moving a variable around into different positions, until the answer presented itself.
B) Tell them you're busy and tell them to go back to their room to try harder, since the world is cruel and heartless and will not heed their call whenever they are in need or unable to find an easy answer to their problems, and that school is supposed to teach them grit.
C) Reminisce about the math teacher you slept with in high school when you were under age.
D) Pretend you did not hear the question and go ride your horse for a few hours, then return to have scotch and water on the back porch.
Q2: You are on the back porch drinking a scotch and water when your spouse arrives home from work, exhausted, and asks if you want to go out for dinner. In response you:
A) Smile and give them a hug and say yes of course, let's do something together this evening and maybe we can get a sitter for the kids - that one who is really good at math.
B) Tell them you are exhausted too and ask why they didn't just bring home some salads from that place that makes those giant ones with peanut sauce.
C) Reminisce about the time you were doing it with your own assistant from your office and got them out of the house just in time, before your spouse came home.
D) Pretend you did not hear the question and go feed the horses.
Q3: You are in the barn feeding the horses when a bale of hay from the loft falls on you and pins you to the floor boards. You call for help and hope that your family in the house can hear you. In response they:
A) Come running to the barn, free you from the hay bale and help you back into the house.
B) Believe they are too busy, pretend they didn't hear, and decide that one of the others will probably help you.
C) Wonder if it was really you or just that 'stable hand' you hang out with so much.
D) Look up for a brief moment, then at each other, then go back to eating their Thai salads and working through the algebra problems.
Mr. Chadwick’s Junior Year American History Class: MFT 1:00 PM
Thirty seven students are seated when Mr. Chadwick walks into the classroom with a stack of blue books under his arm.
Okay. Here we are. Finals. You remember I announced this was going to be multiple choice but I’ve changed my mind and am going to make it an essay.
Aw, Geez, No Fair, You said, What? Mr Chawdick!, Oh God, Come on. You said. Dickhead.
Mr. C raised his arm. They quieted. He speaks. Believe me, your comportment here today will affect your grade.
Aw, Geeze, wickdick, comportimentos, ha ha.
Suit yourselves. Like I said. Pass these books around, Jackson, please. You may write as little or as much as you like. It’s wide open. Just tell me the History of America, if you will. That is the test question, or topic if you will. You have the fifty minutes, so begin.
Rustle rumble snicker snicker ha ha. History of America. Ok. Um. All right then. dickhead.
“Once upon a time a pilgrim saw a rock and sailed his ship in that direction….
“Some Asians came to Alaska on a bridge to nowhere since fallen down? It wasn’t Alaska then.
“There was a big tea party in Boston but the Americans wanted coffee and a big fight started…..
“Some cowboys won the West in a poker game, then they had the OK Corral…….
“George Armstrong Custer started the first mass shooting in America, and lost. ……then they all got their balls cut off.
“The Founding Fathers are long since dead, and so it goes…..
“I have really hated this history course and want to move to Canada anyway…
“Great course Mr C. I’ve loved learning with you. Wonder if you want to get an iced coffee sometime ( before you turn in grades ) Dominique DeMurre.
“America is a Democracy. Everyone can vote. Sometimes they tell you things and it’s a joke….
“Basically, in America some people are really smart, and some are really stupid…..and then..
“America has invented our most important things. Dishwashers, hairdryers, nuclear bombs…
“I’m not sure where I should start, Mr. C. I could begin at Pangea. If you recall, that was about 300 million years ago. America was in there, but not really a separate America then, if you know what I mean. So if I start there it will either be very, very long, or..I mean..
Phew, so scary that this is probably close to real. I cracked up at many lines, but especially this one: “Great course Mr C. I’ve loved learning with you. Wonder if you want to get an iced coffee sometime ( before you turn in grades ) Dominique DeMurre."
For each question, pick the answer that best describes you.
1. Are you most like:
a. A giant panda eating only bamboo.
b. A goat eating anything.
Hint: Your resistance to trying any new restaurant indicates that the correct answer is a.
2. Are you most like:
a. A starfish growing a new body from just one surviving arm.
b. A tortoise overturned on his back awaiting an inevitable death.
Hint: Your refusal to ask a dermatologist about that mole on your left shoulder indicates that the correct answer is b.
3. Are you most like:
a. A squirrel storing food for the winter ahead.
b. A bear deciding it’s easiest to stuff himself now and then sleep through winter.
Hint: Your 401K indicates that the correct answer is b.
4. Are you most like:
a. The flamingo hanging out in the Hamptons this month even though that is not his regular territory.
b. The tiny Brazilian frog living his entire life inside a single bromeliad.
Hint: Your response to my suggestion that we spend next summer in Europe instead of at the beach with your parents for the eleventh year in a row indicates that the correct answer is b.
5. Are you most like:
a. A contented cat who knows how sweet he has it and doesn't stray.
b. A dog living in a good home where his every whim is satisfied, who nonetheless runs away at every opportunity.
Hint: Those affairs during the last three office retreats indicate that the correct answer is b.
6. Are you most like:
a. The solitary cougar.
b. The prideful lion.
Hint: Your reaction to any sort of group activity, except for office retreats, indicates that the correct answer is a.
7. Are you most like:
a. The grasshopper.
b. The ant.
Hint: Your fondness for office retreats suggests that you are a hardworking ant. However, your behavior on the retreats indicates that you are a real grasshopper.
8. Are you most like:
a. An orca matriarch still babying her adult son.
b. An alpha male elephant seal managing his harem.
Hint: The office retreats suggest that the correct answer is b. However, your relationship with your mother suggests that you have a lot in common with the orcas.
9. Are you most like:
a. A bonobo living in a female dominated society.
b. A chimpanzee living in a male dominated society.
Hint: The office retreats suggest that the correct answer in your own mind is b. However, your relationship with your mother demonstrates a bit of bonobo in you.
10. Am I most like:
a. A snake who sheds her skin when she outgrows it.
b. A swan, the symbol of true love, who mates for life.
1. Harold and Gerald are taking a quiz. Harold solves 3 questions every 4 minutes. Gerald solves questions at ⅞ times Harold’s speed. If there are 25 questions on the quiz in total, how many minutes will pass from the time that Harold finishes the quiz to the time that Gerald does?
2. Harold and Gerald both notice something uncanny about the first question on the quiz, and they pause while they collect their thoughts. They pause for an amount of time proportional to the difference in the speed at which they solve problems. If the length, in seconds, of Harold’s pause is equal to 1/100th of the total time that he spends taking the quiz, what is the length, in seconds, of Gerald’s pause?
3. Harold and Gerald encounter another strange coincidence upon reading the second question on the quiz. They both notice the same thing, but react in different, mathematically opposite ways. Harold and Gerald are now solving questions at exactly the same rate.
a. Who sped up, and by how many questions-per-minute?
b. Who slowed down, and by how many questions-per-minute?
c. Gerry, where did everyone else go? Where’s Miss Aidel?
d. This is weird. This is weird. What’s going on? What’s that out there? Did you see? Someone out on the diamond.
e. Wait, Gerry, look at 3-e, does that say — what did that say? Did — That didn’t always say —
f. What the hell?
g. Do you see it too? It’s changing, whatever I want to say, it’s,
h. Quit it, quit, shut up, be quiet, think quieter, quiet, quiet,
4. It takes light from the Sun 8.33 minutes to reach the Earth. If the Sun was extinguished at the moment that Harold and Gerald began the quiz, how many more minutes of light will they experience, taking into account the changes from the third question?
a. How many questions will they need to solve after the light is gone?
b. Boy, I don’t like that much at all. I feel — Harold, stop reading that right this second. There’s something wrong. Don’t look at it. I’m serious, don’t even, don’t look at it, snap out of it —
c. Who’s that on the field? What’s happening? Gerry, I’m scared. Who are those guys? What’s wrong with their faces? My eyes feel heavy. head feels heavy. my heavy feel heavy, I, my, feel, my, my, IIIÍÍÍÍÏÏĮiiı,
b. What my partner shouted when I rolled out of bed this morning.
c. A badly mangled present participle left lying on the ground (someone call 911!)
2) “These people are crazy. He said there’s no problem with sharks. ‘They just didn’t really understand a young woman swimming now.’ It really got decimated and other people do a lot of shark attacks. These four sentences mean…
a. Run away! Run away now! Sharks!
b. Who is attacking sharks (Save the sharks!)
c. Anything the New York Times wants them to mean.
3) “Gettysburg, what an unbelievable battle that was. It was so much, and so interesting, and so vicious and horrible, and so beautiful in so many different ways— it represented such a big portion of the success of this country." These words are…
a. The opening lines of the Gettysburg Address.
b. What Lincoln wrote on the other side of the envelope he used on the train.
c …so…interesting.
4) “They say that there’s so much water up north that I want to have the overflow areas go into your forests and dampen your forests, because if you dampen your forests, you're not gonna have these forest fires that are burning at levels that nobody’s ever seen.” This is…
a. A statement from a Northwest black bear after eating fermented huckleberries during the heat wave.
b. A new slogan from Smokey the Bear (with purple smudges around his mouth)
c. “They” must be tracked down and their gender identified. (see Project 2025, Article 2, Section III, Paragraph IV).
5) January 21, 2025. Phyllis, intrepid librarian welcomes toddlers and moms to Story Hour. All is chaos and as books are pulled from the shelves, toddlers run free throughout the shelf aisles. Phyllis introduces Bellatrix Bouquet—much anticipated guest reader. Bellatrix begins reading the books Phyllis has chosen-- A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo and And Tango Makes Three. Phyllis should…
a. Look out the windows at the sleek black car and the 3 men in black suits all wearing sunglasses, curly ear wires extending from their ears.
b. Run. Now!
c. Fall on her sword (ok, book…) and become the first publicized victim of Project 2025. (Comin’ for you, Alito. You have a flag for that?)
I love this prompt! I'm hoping to give it go later today. But Mary—when I read your wedding registry story, I just had to share this little scene from my novel-in-progress:
“Damn it,” I say when I slice a corner of my fingernail off with the cheese grater. I was grating a small block of parmesan for the Caesar.
“What’s wrong, honey?” Edward asks from the dining room, where he is setting the table with our wedding china.
“Nothing." I pull an emery board from the penholder by the phone to smooth it out.
I watch him as he carefully arranges china and wine glasses, placing the napkins and forks and knives on the wrong sides of the plates. Even though it’s a pet peeve of mine, and I’ve told him a million times, and I can’t understand how he can be so, well, clueless, I decide to fix them later while he’s in the shower. He hates being corrected, and it’s just not worth the fight.
“I love this china,” Edward says. “We need to entertain more. How many times have we used it? Three? Four?”
“I don’t know,” I say, recalling the unpleasant trip to Macy’s to register for wedding gifts. We couldn’t agree on anything. Edward would point to a pattern and I would wrinkle my nose; I would show him one that appealed to me, and he would frown and shake his head. He liked the plain and traditional; I was more attracted to the bold and off-beat. I finally found something I thought might work as a compromise—abstract and colorful, but understated at the same time.
“It looks like an abortion,” Edward said.
By the time we finished choosing—the white china with the little blue bachelor buttons, the plain beige stoneware for every day, the crystal and the silver that Edward preferred—I felt as if I had surrendered something I might never get back.
Oh, wow! LOVE this! I guess it just shows how many people have this same argument!! OR it means we're the same person. (However, if i cut my fingernail, I'd have a tough time since i don't own an emory board. I don't even own a comb or brush! hahahaha!)
Your friend is in a mood. He’s texting you, accusing you of the same minor deeds he’s done himself in the past but is now experiencing selective amnesia. He’s coming at you from his high horse, barely admitting any part in the wrongdoing, which, by the way, most would never classify as wrong, just silly. You decide to:
A) Keep your composure and apologize, despite knowing you don’t have a single thing to apologize for, as you’re aware that he’s likely coming from another argument with his “lovely” wife and is using you as a punching bag.
Or
B) Hell hath no fury like a man scorned! Make that f*cker suffer for opening his dumb mouth full of hypocrisies. Play along for a while, ask for specifics, and insert the key question into the conversation: Are you okay? If he doesn’t respond, give him a slight jab. Ooh, he’s wobbly now. Is there anything else that’s stressing you out? Now it’s a queasy no. Then you ask him to confirm that this accusation was made in a sound state of mind. He’s squirming, asking why—understanding completely that you’re in for the death blow. He can’t admit that he’s being an asshole, but neither can he say that this accusation was made deliberately because then shame will be handled another day. The Everlast of a friend is done with forgiveness; he’s in for blood, for this bastard mistook reliable for gullible. “Coward piece of shit, I got you now.”
I do some volunteer work with kids who are reading below grade level. Part of that involves reading comprehension exercises - a paragraph or two followed by a series of questions. The last question is always, “the point of this narrative is…” with four answers to pick from. Two of those are always easy to cross out. But I often find there are two others that could be the point of the paragraph depending on how you choose to read it. They don’t give us an answer key:). Here’s something I’ve been wrestling with put into the hermit crab shell of that type of exercise.
“So Ian simply decided to stop reading the news. He canceled his two daily newspapers and removed their apps from his phone. It took a little work to keep news from leaking in, but eventually he figured out how to get baseball news without seeing other news. He learned he could play the Wordle without going through the NYT app and he could follow theater news through specialty apps. But no politics, no accounting of man’s inhumanity to man, and no warnings of inevitable catastrophes he could do nothing but wait for anyway.
And he found stillness. He found when he wasn’t marinating in the thoughts of others he could hear his own voice. He found when he wasn’t being led by the agendas of others, he could create his own. In short, Ian figured out who he was.”
What is the main point of this story?
A) Ian enjoys reading about baseball and theater.
B) Ian is taking advantage of his positional privilege to inure his heart to the hurt in the world. He has the privilege of being able to look away, and is choosing to use it to ignore the suffering of his fellow humans.
C) Ian enjoys playing the Wordle each day
D) Ian healed this heart and found his authentic self by choosing to preserve the silence within amidst all the noise.
So good! And I like how it puts me in a mind to try to produce an answer to 'what was the main point of this story?', about the whole of the full story you've made here. There comes a very resounding openness.. unanswerableness!
I have run into the same issue in my volunteer work tutoring people for the GED. In the Language Arts portion of the test, two of the multiple-choice answers are always clearly not the correct answer. However, in many questions either one of the remaining two choices could be correct depending upon the reader's focus and life experience. I am very bothered that these types of questions ultimately can arbitrarily deny someone a credential that they need for work or some other important purpose.
Good morning. I was born like any other person. I faced the world and came out crying. However, as time went on, I slowly lost my face. I don’t know why this happened. I thought I was a happy kid. Normal in all ways. To prove it, at five, I looked like an ordinary kid. At ten, I began showing signs of loss. In High School, I was seen as just anybody, or as John Bunyan might have put it, as Everyman. By the time I went to college, my face was completely blank. I showed nothing. Sure, I had lots of friends. In fact, they liked that I was just there. A blank face… just as you see me now.
"Public Face Aptitude Test:
Why do you think your faceless persona would be a match for this position?
How do you think the public will feel about a company whose Public Face is faceless?
(Candidate's question) What mask do you wear in different situations?
How would a faceless Public Face fit into our company image?
“So, Mr. Jones, thank you for that introduction. I am really pleased to see you here in this interview. I have to admit it was a bit of a surprise, as we’d not seen you before this interview. We have, as you know, chosen you and one other person as finalists for our new Customer Service Public Face Liason. Of course, I have a few questions for you.
When you applied for this position, why did you think your faceless persona would be a match for this position? And, while you are thinking about that question, think about this too: how do you think the public will feel about a company whose Public Face, as it were, is faceless?”
Those are good questions; of course, I’ve faced the issues that your questions have alluded to for almost my entire life. But let me ask you some questions to answer yours:
What’s the resting face that you have now?
Does your face ever change? In fact, even now, as I turned the questions around, I see your face change.
Or maybe you’d like me to wear a mask. Many people think we all wear masks to either hide or reveal our personas in various situations.
Ms Messa, What’s the mask you wear here? Is it different from the mask you wear on the train going home? When you get home and meet your family, do you wear another mask?
So just imagine me as Lotus Company’s Public Face. How do you see me fitting in now that I’ve asked you these questions?
Ms Smith, I see my faceless self as the perfect face for a Public Face. I can meet every situation with the perfect mask. I should be your choice.
nice take on the masks we all wear! Also, a nice commentary on the public image of companies hoping to appeal to everyone. No matter how hard they try, though, they fail.
A little man turns up, as tall as your hand sideways, he says he is from another world -and asks to ride in your pocket for a week and experience the life of a human. You know your life is not typical
Do you?
Let him ride in your pocket
Realise your life is not typical, and he will learn nothing about normal humanity from riding with you- try to think of friends to help
Know that your most typical friend will be freaked out, but try to slip him into the top pocket of her new coat?
Tell him to get into your pocket. Put some holes in a sandwich bag, put it over your pocket and sqeeeze, firmly sealing it shut with a rubber band. Walk to the nearest police station and hand the little man in
Trust him. Realise you have a lack of typical friends, but do have friends who love sci fi, and one friend that you think it would be safe to ask- Could this little guy could do a ride along with him with for a week? The Little Man says Nah.
Let him ride in your pocket to the therapist where you say, ‘I thought I saw a Little Man’, and take him out, and know by your therapists reaction that you did, indeed, see a little man, and ask your therapist if he could sit in His pocket and listen to a broad spectrum of real human dilemmas and tragedies and neurosis for a week? The Little Man says, that’s alright, I’ll stay with you. You say ok
Ask yourself Why you trust this creature, is it smallness = cuteness? Could he get into your pocket and turn himself into a big worm? Ask him to. Then…
Once he is your pocket worm- gently remove your jacket and put duct tape over the top, trapping him.
Give the jacket to the nearest Goodwill.
Start to worry about who will get him next and whether they will stomp him instantly
Go back and buy the jacket or say you gave it to them accidentally and you realize they haven’t put it out yet and have to go through stuff but really it was only an hour ago and pay way too much money to get it back. Apologise.
Then.
Relax. Weird things have happened before, not like this but, meh.
Let him ride along for your weird life, let him feel you tense up when most people are around and relax with others
Let him try a Violet Crumble and a Pollywaffle if you can find one.
See if he likes Thai basil and chilli stir fry with tofu and crispy noodles, and cashews and broccolini and red capsicum and onions that somehow go sweet
Let him see you sore and sad and hiding but answer the phone, lie like a demon and cheer up a friend. Say ‘Do you do that where you come from?’
Let him watch you write a song with your brilliant writing partner
Let him watch you try to clean up before the cleaner arrives, the way your Mother did, who was disorganised too, but not as badly as you.
Let him watch a slightly paranormal series with you- about a haunted biro which comes into the possession of a young female coroner trying to make her way in the world while it writes letters from the dead bodies, telling her who they loved in life, what they wished they’d told people, or sometimes, who murdered them. It’s called Haunted Biro.
It also writes notes to the handsome but tormented detective she likes, who will kiss her in the final episode. They tried to kiss in episode 13 but were stopped by a body on a trolley wheeling in on its own. When they finally kiss you clap and yell ‘YAAAAAY!’ and the little man does too. So happy.
Let him watch you write a quick story, and stare at another long messy one for hours
Let him stay in your pocket and hear you tell your therapist where you wished you’d been kinder.
The more than slightly hostile thing the lady in the park said. Feel massive relief when your therapist agrees, that’s odd. Sleeplessness. The dreams. The pain. Belief that some medical breakthrough will save you. The weird thing that’s happening again.
Give the little man a quiz. Can he do any tricks? Does he have any particularly funny things on his planet? Non alarming ones? Is he hungry? Does he have a family? Pets?
What does he think his planet and your planet have in common? What’s different. Are they more advanced than us, you presume so, or he wouldn’t be here. On the other hand, he was a worm in a Thrift shop. Has he seen anything here he wishes they had there?
Do they have music where he’s from? Would he sing you a song?
What is his favourite thing to do on his favourite day, or preferred unit of time? Do they have time where he lives? Do they have Love?
Enjoy your week together, and say, ‘I have a friend who likes sci fi- he actually more than likes it, and he’d probably love to do a ride along with you if you’re ever in the mood, to improve inter-whatever we are-relations
So many choices! I think I'd make him an entire bag of tater tots with salt and watch him eat them. Then we'd watch a movie, preferably a rom-com. I'd probably crochet him a blanket. What's funny J.D.A is that I'm actually thinking about this!!! I love the idea of giving him to your therapist. That was a good one!
Oh this was deliciously good.. the form gives such a satisfying entry into the story. Right in the pocket! And I love the twists you get into the apparently linear form - the goodwill part, the therapist part..
"Hands on buzzers, here's your Starter for Ten..."
Q. If it took a man a week to walk a fortnight how long would it take a baw-faced savage to sandpaper and elephant into a whippet?
"I'm sorry but that's not the answer. Here's another Starter..."
Q. How did an elephant succeed in taking a selfie of himself wearing the Crown Jewels of England within twenty fours of being tusked to do so?
"Wrong again I'm afraid. Here's another..."
Q. You have to live in a theme park for a week without being detected by any members of the baw-faced staff or the all-seeing CCTV eye: how will do it?
"Wrong! You really don't have a clue, do you?"
"I thunk you're quite right and I'm going to thunking a whole lot more about what to do, to give you the answers you seek, while I walking along in the fortnight of the next week sandpapering this whippet up into that elephant."
Three characters arrive out front of a saloon bar. The man strides through the swing doors. The baw-faced savage stumbles, trips and rolls forward under swinging doors. The elephant gets trunk, tusks, forehead across the threshold but gets stuck, tight as a tick, at the shoulders.
Q1. What happens next?
A1. The elephant trundles and trumps but, try as he might, stays stuck unable to move backwards or forwards.
A2. The elephant, seeing the man and the savage served at the bar and necking ales, first gets thirsty and then gets envious?
Q2. How much time passes?
A1. Less than a fortnight but more than a week.
A2. Less than five minutes but more than a nanosecond.
Q3. How does the elephant manage to quench his thirst?
A1. The Fire Brigade arrive, cut the door lintel away to release his head, back him up into the street and hook a hose up to a fire hydrant to slake his thirst.
A2. The baw-face savage intuits that this elephant is one of the kind born into a lifelong dream of becoming a whippet, heads out the back door, comes round the building to the sidewalk and goes right across the street to the hardware store, buys a plentiful supply of sandpaper and starts chamfering, fast and furious.
Q4. Why does the elephant suddenly get horny?
A1. Because the baw-faced savage, momentarily distracted by the man still stood necking ales at the bar making a rude remark, inadvertently tickles his erogenous soft spot 🐘 .
A2. Because the elephant spots Little Lulu, sidled into bar via the broad back door, across the crowded room making eyes at him 😍.
Q5. What happens next?
A1. You take the four answers you've opted for in responding to the preceding four questions and settle right down to write an amazing micro-fiction of precisely 400 words.
A2. You take the four answers you've opted for in responding to the preceding four questions and settle right down to write an absolutely nonsensical limerick in precisely 5 lies.
NOTE: AS YOU KNOW, FROM READING THE SMALL PRINT, HAVING REACHED & RESPONDED TO Q5 YOU'RE INTO THIS QUIZ UP TO YOUR NECK, IT'S TOO LATE TO BACK OUT & COMPLETING QUIZZES HAS CONSEQUENCES. WHICH OF YOUR ONLY REMAINING OPTIONS WILL YOU CHOOSE: Q5/A1 OR Q5/A2... THAT REALLY IS THE QUESTION!
Mary, again, your prompts just rock! I absolutely loved the "relationship quiz" at Bloomingdale's! I can picture the scenes... I laughed, but I must admit that it was an uncomfortable laughter. The first argument my husband and I had was over a film choice, then it was a lamp... And now, as a single woman, I am so happy I don't have to tolerate his ugly furniture... :)
Your suggested links are spectacular. I could no longer find the link to A. E. Stallings' "First Love: a Quiz," which inspired me to write a poem as a response to it.
And Now you inspire me to try your other forms of quiz!
It is, isn’t it? It is the first time I saw the quiz form used, but the examples you linked to here were pure gold! I am always so inspired by your prompts, as well as your beautiful writing Mary.
a. start small. perhaps your living room would do but then again there might be jostling for that wing chair with a lovely flowered print. No one wants the couch because although it seats three, the first two people aren’t going to want to welcome a third stuck in their midst.
b. Meet outside in a circle in your backyard. This solves the problem of who gets what seat, at least if you rent folding chairs, but there are all those other pesky issues such as weather, gnats, the endless drone of cicadas, reminding you that God sent locusts to talk the Pharaoh into letting the Jews go free, which initially convinced him, but then again on second thought, he changed his mind. On second thought, perhaps a circle in the grass is not your best.
c. Then again there’s Friendly’s. First there’s the name--Friendly’s –good name for your new religion-- and then there’s the ice cream which is always a draw. Think of the combination of God and ice cream. Yum.
2. Select your holy text.
a. Find it hidden in a cave or a tree or a bottle bobbing in the sea, or between the lines in a Salman Rushdie novel.
b. But then there is the issue of what language the text would be in –not English. if it’s in some indecipherable text, only you could interpret it -- a frisson of leadership which you didn’t get when you were coaching Little League. From Little League to preacher is not that big a leap.
c. Ask AI to generate a holy text using only the words, ark, cripple, scroll, slingshot, snake, redemption, salvation, ice cream, praise, and terror.
2. Publicity: how can you convince people to give up the New York Times or Sunday Weekend review to come listen to you inspire them?
a. you could put an announcement in the Yankee trader, which would be free, but do you really want the Yankee Trader bargain hunters?
b. there’s word-of-mouth, but that would require a fervent base of followers to do your proselytizing. As no one follows you right now, not even your kids when you ask them to put their dishes in the sink after dinner, you’ll need to work on your promotion skills.
c. Forget about the crowds, forget about where you meet or the nature of your holy text, just start your religion on Substack. That way people can find your life’s wisdom anytime. Are you going to put the comments section on or off? Do you really want to hear their comments? These are questions you may wish to put God.
Hook them cheap then bleed them dry is my watchword.
I am adored by millions of humans who began on my Eezy-Pay Installment Plan (EPIP). Now they are my mindless adepts. Did they need those cars and houses? Retirement plans? Fancy schools for their kids? They did not. Did they need ME in their hearts and lives? You bet they did. They all say so.
A ladder of length l rests against the wall of a domestic building. At the foot of the ladder, Sandy, aged A years old (49 < A < 55) holds a rose in his mouth.
Sandy climbs the ladder. His initial velocity is R rungs per minute, though he decelerates at 2.5 rungs per minute per minute as his height, h, increases. The ladder begins to oscillate with frequency, lambda, which is variable depending upon the lateral oscillation with a centre of rotation at each knee.
Anne views the scene from an upstairs window of the domestic building. Her field of vision is limited to angle theta such that none of Sandy nor ladder nor teeth-clenched rose are visible to her under initial conditions.
Sandy had completed a similar climb when his age was 50% of A. That time, the oscillations of the ladder had been trivial. That time, Anne’s field of vision had also been blurred by tears, tears of youth and hope not disappointment and rage.
Sandy calculates the probability, P, of a safe ascent in the range 0.1 to 0.25. The probability of a successful outcome in the event of a safe ascent is known to be below 10%, some would say well below. But still, he is determined to try, though this determination (a sadly unquantifiable variable in itself) is not transferred from his heart to his knees.
When h=10, the oscillations attain a frequency that is resonant within the closed system of ladder, knees and wall. At this point, Sandy, to take his mind off the sudden variability in h begins mental calculations. Unfortunately, these calculations indicate a rapidly decreasing probability of even a safe descent.
The value of h now remains constant. That is to say, he is stuck halfway up the ladder, which continues its furious unsteadiness.
Sandy has now found himself in a zero-sum game. His calculations lead him to the conclusion that there is nothing within the laws of mechanics that discriminates between an increasing and a decreasing value of h. That is, he may as well head up as down.
As h reaches a liminal value, the lurchings of the ladder cause the angle theta to exceed 15 degrees. Though this sounds minimal, it is more than enough to induce a chain reaction in the system of fulcrums and levers. He’s going down.
Just as the rate of increase in theta reaches a terminal acceleration, Anne reaches down from the window and grasps the ladder. The system is momentarily in equilibrium.
a) Calculate a sentence, S, for Sandy to say to Anne in order to sustain the equilibrium.
b) Show that S=0 is as good a solution as any other.
All the physics and engineering language works so extraordinary well -- just intelligible enough for a non-expert to get purchase, and offering such a feel of precision, just the finest texture of feeling to each stage of the whole operation.
Danielle sat on an uncomfortable chair in a room painted white with pretty photos on all four walls. In her left hand, she held a clipboard with a questionnaire on it. In her right, a pencil with a large eraser. She didn’t like waiting. She forced herself to read and try to answer the questions in front of her.
1—Do you eat in secret?
Danielle wrote No. Then she thought about why she was here and decided to tell the truth. Well maybe not the whole truth but some of it. She tried to erase the No but made a huge grey smudge on the paper. So much for hiding your lies.
“Sometimes I do.” She wrote.
2—Do you go off and on diets repeatedly?
Is there anyone in the world who doesn’t, thought Danielle. What kind of quiz is this?
Of course I do. I’ve been dieting my entire life. Why don’t you ask me if any of them have been successful?
3—Do you restrict certain foods sometimes but binge on them at other times?
Danielle pondered the question. She wasn’t sure she understood what they were asking her. When she dieted, she would try to fast all day, eat nothing, and then most days would binge in the evening. Did they want to know that? Would she be sitting here, five foot five and two hundred pounds if she didn’t have a problem with her weight? Why weren’t they asking her about her weight or weighing her in like they did at Weight Watchers. Maybe she’d made a mistake by coming here.
4—Do you obsessively read health and fitness magazines and diet books?
Oh come on, she thought. What kind of question is this? Everyone needs to know about nutrition. You might get cancer if you don’t. I just have a weight problem. I’m going to give them one more chance.
5—Do you steal, hide or hoard food?
I am an honest person, Danielle told herself as there was no one else in the room to tell. I would never steal food. I take food out of friends’ refrigerators but I’m sure they don’t mind. And man, when I used to babysit, I’d eat whatever I could find. But that was part of the payment. Everyone knows that. Hiding? Hoarding? They must get some real sick people here at this eating disorders place. I mean everyone buys things when they are on sale and puts them away for later. It’s the American thing to do. I’m putting No to all three.
6—Do you eat when you are not hungry?
I don’t know. I’m always hungry. Should I write that? Danielle bit into the eraser of the pencil
So difficult, this world of an eating disorder, yet somehow this form/structure allows us to really enter and feel things. Love that you chose this subject. So well done!
What a great use of this writing prompt, I'm inside Danielle's head, not judging her, but understanding. Good escalation, too.
I love the last line--"Danielle bit into the eraser of the pencil"
So well done.
This was beautiful and painful to read Sara. I think the quiz form works so well here - it allows us to enter the mind of a person with an eating disorder and have a much better, nuanced, and compassionate understanding. I will return to this I think. Thank you!
Q1: Your children need help with their homework, their math homework, issued by the new teacher at the Downingtown Academy, where you have them enrolled because that's where all the parents from the Downingtown Country Club send their kids. In response you:
A) Compliment them for all the answers they have gotten correct so far and you help them discover the rest of them by asking helpful questions, since you haven't done algebra in years and know you can't solve the problems but you do remember it had something to do with moving a variable around into different positions, until the answer presented itself.
B) Tell them you're busy and tell them to go back to their room to try harder, since the world is cruel and heartless and will not heed their call whenever they are in need or unable to find an easy answer to their problems, and that school is supposed to teach them grit.
C) Reminisce about the math teacher you slept with in high school when you were under age.
D) Pretend you did not hear the question and go ride your horse for a few hours, then return to have scotch and water on the back porch.
Q2: You are on the back porch drinking a scotch and water when your spouse arrives home from work, exhausted, and asks if you want to go out for dinner. In response you:
A) Smile and give them a hug and say yes of course, let's do something together this evening and maybe we can get a sitter for the kids - that one who is really good at math.
B) Tell them you are exhausted too and ask why they didn't just bring home some salads from that place that makes those giant ones with peanut sauce.
C) Reminisce about the time you were doing it with your own assistant from your office and got them out of the house just in time, before your spouse came home.
D) Pretend you did not hear the question and go feed the horses.
Q3: You are in the barn feeding the horses when a bale of hay from the loft falls on you and pins you to the floor boards. You call for help and hope that your family in the house can hear you. In response they:
A) Come running to the barn, free you from the hay bale and help you back into the house.
B) Believe they are too busy, pretend they didn't hear, and decide that one of the others will probably help you.
C) Wonder if it was really you or just that 'stable hand' you hang out with so much.
D) Look up for a brief moment, then at each other, then go back to eating their Thai salads and working through the algebra problems.
This is done so brilliantly. Great job, Kurt.
Thanks Mary. And yet another tip of the hat to you, our fearless leader. Thanks so much for doing this every week. I think everyone here is loving it!
Thanks, Kurt! I'm super happy that I've got a great group of writers here willing to play along. Makes it all worthwhile!
I second that hat-tip! So fun to try a wild range of things and see how others approach them.
I love it! Love how the horses, the "horsing around" and the math keep cycling through this.
Thanks Angela!
Wow, such a full and fascinating interior world out of this form! And so slightly sweetly tinged with an acid humor!
Thanks Danielle!
Ouch. It hurt to read this. Recognizable, honest and uncomfortably funny! Loved it!
Thanks so much!
Love it Kurt.
Thanks Sara!
Mr. Chadwick’s Junior Year American History Class: MFT 1:00 PM
Thirty seven students are seated when Mr. Chadwick walks into the classroom with a stack of blue books under his arm.
Okay. Here we are. Finals. You remember I announced this was going to be multiple choice but I’ve changed my mind and am going to make it an essay.
Aw, Geez, No Fair, You said, What? Mr Chawdick!, Oh God, Come on. You said. Dickhead.
Mr. C raised his arm. They quieted. He speaks. Believe me, your comportment here today will affect your grade.
Aw, Geeze, wickdick, comportimentos, ha ha.
Suit yourselves. Like I said. Pass these books around, Jackson, please. You may write as little or as much as you like. It’s wide open. Just tell me the History of America, if you will. That is the test question, or topic if you will. You have the fifty minutes, so begin.
Rustle rumble snicker snicker ha ha. History of America. Ok. Um. All right then. dickhead.
“Once upon a time a pilgrim saw a rock and sailed his ship in that direction….
“Some Asians came to Alaska on a bridge to nowhere since fallen down? It wasn’t Alaska then.
“There was a big tea party in Boston but the Americans wanted coffee and a big fight started…..
“Some cowboys won the West in a poker game, then they had the OK Corral…….
“George Armstrong Custer started the first mass shooting in America, and lost. ……then they all got their balls cut off.
“The Founding Fathers are long since dead, and so it goes…..
“I have really hated this history course and want to move to Canada anyway…
“Great course Mr C. I’ve loved learning with you. Wonder if you want to get an iced coffee sometime ( before you turn in grades ) Dominique DeMurre.
“America is a Democracy. Everyone can vote. Sometimes they tell you things and it’s a joke….
“Basically, in America some people are really smart, and some are really stupid…..and then..
“America has invented our most important things. Dishwashers, hairdryers, nuclear bombs…
“I’m not sure where I should start, Mr. C. I could begin at Pangea. If you recall, that was about 300 million years ago. America was in there, but not really a separate America then, if you know what I mean. So if I start there it will either be very, very long, or..I mean..
Phew, so scary that this is probably close to real. I cracked up at many lines, but especially this one: “Great course Mr C. I’ve loved learning with you. Wonder if you want to get an iced coffee sometime ( before you turn in grades ) Dominique DeMurre."
Pop Quiz – Fun With Animals
For each question, pick the answer that best describes you.
1. Are you most like:
a. A giant panda eating only bamboo.
b. A goat eating anything.
Hint: Your resistance to trying any new restaurant indicates that the correct answer is a.
2. Are you most like:
a. A starfish growing a new body from just one surviving arm.
b. A tortoise overturned on his back awaiting an inevitable death.
Hint: Your refusal to ask a dermatologist about that mole on your left shoulder indicates that the correct answer is b.
3. Are you most like:
a. A squirrel storing food for the winter ahead.
b. A bear deciding it’s easiest to stuff himself now and then sleep through winter.
Hint: Your 401K indicates that the correct answer is b.
4. Are you most like:
a. The flamingo hanging out in the Hamptons this month even though that is not his regular territory.
b. The tiny Brazilian frog living his entire life inside a single bromeliad.
Hint: Your response to my suggestion that we spend next summer in Europe instead of at the beach with your parents for the eleventh year in a row indicates that the correct answer is b.
5. Are you most like:
a. A contented cat who knows how sweet he has it and doesn't stray.
b. A dog living in a good home where his every whim is satisfied, who nonetheless runs away at every opportunity.
Hint: Those affairs during the last three office retreats indicate that the correct answer is b.
6. Are you most like:
a. The solitary cougar.
b. The prideful lion.
Hint: Your reaction to any sort of group activity, except for office retreats, indicates that the correct answer is a.
7. Are you most like:
a. The grasshopper.
b. The ant.
Hint: Your fondness for office retreats suggests that you are a hardworking ant. However, your behavior on the retreats indicates that you are a real grasshopper.
8. Are you most like:
a. An orca matriarch still babying her adult son.
b. An alpha male elephant seal managing his harem.
Hint: The office retreats suggest that the correct answer is b. However, your relationship with your mother suggests that you have a lot in common with the orcas.
9. Are you most like:
a. A bonobo living in a female dominated society.
b. A chimpanzee living in a male dominated society.
Hint: The office retreats suggest that the correct answer in your own mind is b. However, your relationship with your mother demonstrates a bit of bonobo in you.
10. Am I most like:
a. A snake who sheds her skin when she outgrows it.
b. A swan, the symbol of true love, who mates for life.
Hint: Take your best shot.
Fantastic! And that ending is perfect.
Thanks Mary! I so enjoy the gift you are giving us.
Thank you so much, Deborah!
I love this! The hints are perfect and add another layer of fun to the piece. Well done.
Thanks!
1. Harold and Gerald are taking a quiz. Harold solves 3 questions every 4 minutes. Gerald solves questions at ⅞ times Harold’s speed. If there are 25 questions on the quiz in total, how many minutes will pass from the time that Harold finishes the quiz to the time that Gerald does?
2. Harold and Gerald both notice something uncanny about the first question on the quiz, and they pause while they collect their thoughts. They pause for an amount of time proportional to the difference in the speed at which they solve problems. If the length, in seconds, of Harold’s pause is equal to 1/100th of the total time that he spends taking the quiz, what is the length, in seconds, of Gerald’s pause?
3. Harold and Gerald encounter another strange coincidence upon reading the second question on the quiz. They both notice the same thing, but react in different, mathematically opposite ways. Harold and Gerald are now solving questions at exactly the same rate.
a. Who sped up, and by how many questions-per-minute?
b. Who slowed down, and by how many questions-per-minute?
c. Gerry, where did everyone else go? Where’s Miss Aidel?
d. This is weird. This is weird. What’s going on? What’s that out there? Did you see? Someone out on the diamond.
e. Wait, Gerry, look at 3-e, does that say — what did that say? Did — That didn’t always say —
f. What the hell?
g. Do you see it too? It’s changing, whatever I want to say, it’s,
h. Quit it, quit, shut up, be quiet, think quieter, quiet, quiet,
4. It takes light from the Sun 8.33 minutes to reach the Earth. If the Sun was extinguished at the moment that Harold and Gerald began the quiz, how many more minutes of light will they experience, taking into account the changes from the third question?
a. How many questions will they need to solve after the light is gone?
b. Boy, I don’t like that much at all. I feel — Harold, stop reading that right this second. There’s something wrong. Don’t look at it. I’m serious, don’t even, don’t look at it, snap out of it —
c. Who’s that on the field? What’s happening? Gerry, I’m scared. Who are those guys? What’s wrong with their faces? My eyes feel heavy. head feels heavy. my heavy feel heavy, I, my, feel, my, my, IIIÍÍÍÍÏÏĮiiı,
Unbelievable!!! This story KILLS!!!
Choose the one best answer for each question.
1) “The Great Awokening” is
a. A sudden recognition of shameful facts
b. What my partner shouted when I rolled out of bed this morning.
c. A badly mangled present participle left lying on the ground (someone call 911!)
2) “These people are crazy. He said there’s no problem with sharks. ‘They just didn’t really understand a young woman swimming now.’ It really got decimated and other people do a lot of shark attacks. These four sentences mean…
a. Run away! Run away now! Sharks!
b. Who is attacking sharks (Save the sharks!)
c. Anything the New York Times wants them to mean.
3) “Gettysburg, what an unbelievable battle that was. It was so much, and so interesting, and so vicious and horrible, and so beautiful in so many different ways— it represented such a big portion of the success of this country." These words are…
a. The opening lines of the Gettysburg Address.
b. What Lincoln wrote on the other side of the envelope he used on the train.
c …so…interesting.
4) “They say that there’s so much water up north that I want to have the overflow areas go into your forests and dampen your forests, because if you dampen your forests, you're not gonna have these forest fires that are burning at levels that nobody’s ever seen.” This is…
a. A statement from a Northwest black bear after eating fermented huckleberries during the heat wave.
b. A new slogan from Smokey the Bear (with purple smudges around his mouth)
c. “They” must be tracked down and their gender identified. (see Project 2025, Article 2, Section III, Paragraph IV).
5) January 21, 2025. Phyllis, intrepid librarian welcomes toddlers and moms to Story Hour. All is chaos and as books are pulled from the shelves, toddlers run free throughout the shelf aisles. Phyllis introduces Bellatrix Bouquet—much anticipated guest reader. Bellatrix begins reading the books Phyllis has chosen-- A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo and And Tango Makes Three. Phyllis should…
a. Look out the windows at the sleek black car and the 3 men in black suits all wearing sunglasses, curly ear wires extending from their ears.
b. Run. Now!
c. Fall on her sword (ok, book…) and become the first publicized victim of Project 2025. (Comin’ for you, Alito. You have a flag for that?)
Ok. Couldn't resist going all political. I'll be in my bunker near the shark-infested waters just outside Las Vegas. But shhhhh. Don't tell anyone.
This was fun, Mary. Needed an outlet for my snark this morning.
Loved this, Angela. Seems like political is seeping into both of us this week. Too real.
And destined to seep in even more, apparently!
Wow. Loved this one! So fun to read, if also slightly painful.
Yup. The pain is real. <wince>
Oh Phyllis!!!
😄
I love this prompt! I'm hoping to give it go later today. But Mary—when I read your wedding registry story, I just had to share this little scene from my novel-in-progress:
“Damn it,” I say when I slice a corner of my fingernail off with the cheese grater. I was grating a small block of parmesan for the Caesar.
“What’s wrong, honey?” Edward asks from the dining room, where he is setting the table with our wedding china.
“Nothing." I pull an emery board from the penholder by the phone to smooth it out.
I watch him as he carefully arranges china and wine glasses, placing the napkins and forks and knives on the wrong sides of the plates. Even though it’s a pet peeve of mine, and I’ve told him a million times, and I can’t understand how he can be so, well, clueless, I decide to fix them later while he’s in the shower. He hates being corrected, and it’s just not worth the fight.
“I love this china,” Edward says. “We need to entertain more. How many times have we used it? Three? Four?”
“I don’t know,” I say, recalling the unpleasant trip to Macy’s to register for wedding gifts. We couldn’t agree on anything. Edward would point to a pattern and I would wrinkle my nose; I would show him one that appealed to me, and he would frown and shake his head. He liked the plain and traditional; I was more attracted to the bold and off-beat. I finally found something I thought might work as a compromise—abstract and colorful, but understated at the same time.
“It looks like an abortion,” Edward said.
By the time we finished choosing—the white china with the little blue bachelor buttons, the plain beige stoneware for every day, the crystal and the silver that Edward preferred—I felt as if I had surrendered something I might never get back.
So similar, right down to the man wanting the traditional and the woman wanting the modern. Are we, in fact, the same person?? Cracks me up!
Oh, wow! LOVE this! I guess it just shows how many people have this same argument!! OR it means we're the same person. (However, if i cut my fingernail, I'd have a tough time since i don't own an emory board. I don't even own a comb or brush! hahahaha!)
You have that awesome curly hair that just looks wonderful all on it's own, don't you!
look in my Notes. I posted a photo of me and PKT....
See?? And by the way, you make a very adorable couple.
my hair has been the bane of my existence for my entire life. It looks pretty calm in that photo! But yeah, if you brush curly hair it's a nightmare
I forget everything in two minutes, not just people's secrets. It's (insert word), my lack of retention for most things.
Ouch again. Uncomfortably familiar. Great read!
Quiz
Your friend is in a mood. He’s texting you, accusing you of the same minor deeds he’s done himself in the past but is now experiencing selective amnesia. He’s coming at you from his high horse, barely admitting any part in the wrongdoing, which, by the way, most would never classify as wrong, just silly. You decide to:
A) Keep your composure and apologize, despite knowing you don’t have a single thing to apologize for, as you’re aware that he’s likely coming from another argument with his “lovely” wife and is using you as a punching bag.
Or
B) Hell hath no fury like a man scorned! Make that f*cker suffer for opening his dumb mouth full of hypocrisies. Play along for a while, ask for specifics, and insert the key question into the conversation: Are you okay? If he doesn’t respond, give him a slight jab. Ooh, he’s wobbly now. Is there anything else that’s stressing you out? Now it’s a queasy no. Then you ask him to confirm that this accusation was made in a sound state of mind. He’s squirming, asking why—understanding completely that you’re in for the death blow. He can’t admit that he’s being an asshole, but neither can he say that this accusation was made deliberately because then shame will be handled another day. The Everlast of a friend is done with forgiveness; he’s in for blood, for this bastard mistook reliable for gullible. “Coward piece of shit, I got you now.”
hahaha! This is exactly the way it goes, right? We are often torn between those two extremes.
…and will always take the smart approach…
I do some volunteer work with kids who are reading below grade level. Part of that involves reading comprehension exercises - a paragraph or two followed by a series of questions. The last question is always, “the point of this narrative is…” with four answers to pick from. Two of those are always easy to cross out. But I often find there are two others that could be the point of the paragraph depending on how you choose to read it. They don’t give us an answer key:). Here’s something I’ve been wrestling with put into the hermit crab shell of that type of exercise.
“So Ian simply decided to stop reading the news. He canceled his two daily newspapers and removed their apps from his phone. It took a little work to keep news from leaking in, but eventually he figured out how to get baseball news without seeing other news. He learned he could play the Wordle without going through the NYT app and he could follow theater news through specialty apps. But no politics, no accounting of man’s inhumanity to man, and no warnings of inevitable catastrophes he could do nothing but wait for anyway.
And he found stillness. He found when he wasn’t marinating in the thoughts of others he could hear his own voice. He found when he wasn’t being led by the agendas of others, he could create his own. In short, Ian figured out who he was.”
What is the main point of this story?
A) Ian enjoys reading about baseball and theater.
B) Ian is taking advantage of his positional privilege to inure his heart to the hurt in the world. He has the privilege of being able to look away, and is choosing to use it to ignore the suffering of his fellow humans.
C) Ian enjoys playing the Wordle each day
D) Ian healed this heart and found his authentic self by choosing to preserve the silence within amidst all the noise.
Oh, this is so good!
So good! And I like how it puts me in a mind to try to produce an answer to 'what was the main point of this story?', about the whole of the full story you've made here. There comes a very resounding openness.. unanswerableness!
I have run into the same issue in my volunteer work tutoring people for the GED. In the Language Arts portion of the test, two of the multiple-choice answers are always clearly not the correct answer. However, in many questions either one of the remaining two choices could be correct depending upon the reader's focus and life experience. I am very bothered that these types of questions ultimately can arbitrarily deny someone a credential that they need for work or some other important purpose.
An issue I wrestle with continually, and there's no good answer. Though I do enjoy playing Wordle each day.
Good morning. I was born like any other person. I faced the world and came out crying. However, as time went on, I slowly lost my face. I don’t know why this happened. I thought I was a happy kid. Normal in all ways. To prove it, at five, I looked like an ordinary kid. At ten, I began showing signs of loss. In High School, I was seen as just anybody, or as John Bunyan might have put it, as Everyman. By the time I went to college, my face was completely blank. I showed nothing. Sure, I had lots of friends. In fact, they liked that I was just there. A blank face… just as you see me now.
"Public Face Aptitude Test:
Why do you think your faceless persona would be a match for this position?
How do you think the public will feel about a company whose Public Face is faceless?
(Candidate's question) What mask do you wear in different situations?
How would a faceless Public Face fit into our company image?
“So, Mr. Jones, thank you for that introduction. I am really pleased to see you here in this interview. I have to admit it was a bit of a surprise, as we’d not seen you before this interview. We have, as you know, chosen you and one other person as finalists for our new Customer Service Public Face Liason. Of course, I have a few questions for you.
When you applied for this position, why did you think your faceless persona would be a match for this position? And, while you are thinking about that question, think about this too: how do you think the public will feel about a company whose Public Face, as it were, is faceless?”
Those are good questions; of course, I’ve faced the issues that your questions have alluded to for almost my entire life. But let me ask you some questions to answer yours:
What’s the resting face that you have now?
Does your face ever change? In fact, even now, as I turned the questions around, I see your face change.
Or maybe you’d like me to wear a mask. Many people think we all wear masks to either hide or reveal our personas in various situations.
Ms Messa, What’s the mask you wear here? Is it different from the mask you wear on the train going home? When you get home and meet your family, do you wear another mask?
So just imagine me as Lotus Company’s Public Face. How do you see me fitting in now that I’ve asked you these questions?
Ms Smith, I see my faceless self as the perfect face for a Public Face. I can meet every situation with the perfect mask. I should be your choice.
nice take on the masks we all wear! Also, a nice commentary on the public image of companies hoping to appeal to everyone. No matter how hard they try, though, they fail.
The Quiz
A little man turns up, as tall as your hand sideways, he says he is from another world -and asks to ride in your pocket for a week and experience the life of a human. You know your life is not typical
Do you?
Let him ride in your pocket
Realise your life is not typical, and he will learn nothing about normal humanity from riding with you- try to think of friends to help
Know that your most typical friend will be freaked out, but try to slip him into the top pocket of her new coat?
Tell him to get into your pocket. Put some holes in a sandwich bag, put it over your pocket and sqeeeze, firmly sealing it shut with a rubber band. Walk to the nearest police station and hand the little man in
Trust him. Realise you have a lack of typical friends, but do have friends who love sci fi, and one friend that you think it would be safe to ask- Could this little guy could do a ride along with him with for a week? The Little Man says Nah.
Let him ride in your pocket to the therapist where you say, ‘I thought I saw a Little Man’, and take him out, and know by your therapists reaction that you did, indeed, see a little man, and ask your therapist if he could sit in His pocket and listen to a broad spectrum of real human dilemmas and tragedies and neurosis for a week? The Little Man says, that’s alright, I’ll stay with you. You say ok
Ask yourself Why you trust this creature, is it smallness = cuteness? Could he get into your pocket and turn himself into a big worm? Ask him to. Then…
Once he is your pocket worm- gently remove your jacket and put duct tape over the top, trapping him.
Give the jacket to the nearest Goodwill.
Start to worry about who will get him next and whether they will stomp him instantly
Go back and buy the jacket or say you gave it to them accidentally and you realize they haven’t put it out yet and have to go through stuff but really it was only an hour ago and pay way too much money to get it back. Apologise.
Then.
Relax. Weird things have happened before, not like this but, meh.
Let him ride along for your weird life, let him feel you tense up when most people are around and relax with others
Let him try a Violet Crumble and a Pollywaffle if you can find one.
See if he likes Thai basil and chilli stir fry with tofu and crispy noodles, and cashews and broccolini and red capsicum and onions that somehow go sweet
Let him see you sore and sad and hiding but answer the phone, lie like a demon and cheer up a friend. Say ‘Do you do that where you come from?’
Let him watch you write a song with your brilliant writing partner
Let him watch you try to clean up before the cleaner arrives, the way your Mother did, who was disorganised too, but not as badly as you.
Let him watch a slightly paranormal series with you- about a haunted biro which comes into the possession of a young female coroner trying to make her way in the world while it writes letters from the dead bodies, telling her who they loved in life, what they wished they’d told people, or sometimes, who murdered them. It’s called Haunted Biro.
It also writes notes to the handsome but tormented detective she likes, who will kiss her in the final episode. They tried to kiss in episode 13 but were stopped by a body on a trolley wheeling in on its own. When they finally kiss you clap and yell ‘YAAAAAY!’ and the little man does too. So happy.
Let him watch you write a quick story, and stare at another long messy one for hours
Let him stay in your pocket and hear you tell your therapist where you wished you’d been kinder.
The more than slightly hostile thing the lady in the park said. Feel massive relief when your therapist agrees, that’s odd. Sleeplessness. The dreams. The pain. Belief that some medical breakthrough will save you. The weird thing that’s happening again.
Give the little man a quiz. Can he do any tricks? Does he have any particularly funny things on his planet? Non alarming ones? Is he hungry? Does he have a family? Pets?
What does he think his planet and your planet have in common? What’s different. Are they more advanced than us, you presume so, or he wouldn’t be here. On the other hand, he was a worm in a Thrift shop. Has he seen anything here he wishes they had there?
Do they have music where he’s from? Would he sing you a song?
What is his favourite thing to do on his favourite day, or preferred unit of time? Do they have time where he lives? Do they have Love?
Enjoy your week together, and say, ‘I have a friend who likes sci fi- he actually more than likes it, and he’d probably love to do a ride along with you if you’re ever in the mood, to improve inter-whatever we are-relations
Miss him when he’s gone
So many choices! I think I'd make him an entire bag of tater tots with salt and watch him eat them. Then we'd watch a movie, preferably a rom-com. I'd probably crochet him a blanket. What's funny J.D.A is that I'm actually thinking about this!!! I love the idea of giving him to your therapist. That was a good one!
It may take me all day to recover from this: "I’ve never had a tater tot." Maybe all week, we'll see
Hang in there Mares
Oh this was deliciously good.. the form gives such a satisfying entry into the story. Right in the pocket! And I love the twists you get into the apparently linear form - the goodwill part, the therapist part..
University of Life Challenge
"Hands on buzzers, here's your Starter for Ten..."
Q. If it took a man a week to walk a fortnight how long would it take a baw-faced savage to sandpaper and elephant into a whippet?
"I'm sorry but that's not the answer. Here's another Starter..."
Q. How did an elephant succeed in taking a selfie of himself wearing the Crown Jewels of England within twenty fours of being tusked to do so?
"Wrong again I'm afraid. Here's another..."
Q. You have to live in a theme park for a week without being detected by any members of the baw-faced staff or the all-seeing CCTV eye: how will do it?
"Wrong! You really don't have a clue, do you?"
"I thunk you're quite right and I'm going to thunking a whole lot more about what to do, to give you the answers you seek, while I walking along in the fortnight of the next week sandpapering this whippet up into that elephant."
"Correct!"
I'm gonna have to thunk about this one for awhile. Please don't flunk me from the University of Life
Three characters arrive out front of a saloon bar. The man strides through the swing doors. The baw-faced savage stumbles, trips and rolls forward under swinging doors. The elephant gets trunk, tusks, forehead across the threshold but gets stuck, tight as a tick, at the shoulders.
Q1. What happens next?
A1. The elephant trundles and trumps but, try as he might, stays stuck unable to move backwards or forwards.
A2. The elephant, seeing the man and the savage served at the bar and necking ales, first gets thirsty and then gets envious?
Q2. How much time passes?
A1. Less than a fortnight but more than a week.
A2. Less than five minutes but more than a nanosecond.
Q3. How does the elephant manage to quench his thirst?
A1. The Fire Brigade arrive, cut the door lintel away to release his head, back him up into the street and hook a hose up to a fire hydrant to slake his thirst.
A2. The baw-face savage intuits that this elephant is one of the kind born into a lifelong dream of becoming a whippet, heads out the back door, comes round the building to the sidewalk and goes right across the street to the hardware store, buys a plentiful supply of sandpaper and starts chamfering, fast and furious.
Q4. Why does the elephant suddenly get horny?
A1. Because the baw-faced savage, momentarily distracted by the man still stood necking ales at the bar making a rude remark, inadvertently tickles his erogenous soft spot 🐘 .
A2. Because the elephant spots Little Lulu, sidled into bar via the broad back door, across the crowded room making eyes at him 😍.
Q5. What happens next?
A1. You take the four answers you've opted for in responding to the preceding four questions and settle right down to write an amazing micro-fiction of precisely 400 words.
A2. You take the four answers you've opted for in responding to the preceding four questions and settle right down to write an absolutely nonsensical limerick in precisely 5 lies.
NOTE: AS YOU KNOW, FROM READING THE SMALL PRINT, HAVING REACHED & RESPONDED TO Q5 YOU'RE INTO THIS QUIZ UP TO YOUR NECK, IT'S TOO LATE TO BACK OUT & COMPLETING QUIZZES HAS CONSEQUENCES. WHICH OF YOUR ONLY REMAINING OPTIONS WILL YOU CHOOSE: Q5/A1 OR Q5/A2... THAT REALLY IS THE QUESTION!
I opt for A3. Read and enjoy!
Mary, again, your prompts just rock! I absolutely loved the "relationship quiz" at Bloomingdale's! I can picture the scenes... I laughed, but I must admit that it was an uncomfortable laughter. The first argument my husband and I had was over a film choice, then it was a lamp... And now, as a single woman, I am so happy I don't have to tolerate his ugly furniture... :)
Your suggested links are spectacular. I could no longer find the link to A. E. Stallings' "First Love: a Quiz," which inspired me to write a poem as a response to it.
And Now you inspire me to try your other forms of quiz!
I found it here: http://outspokenwordpoetry.blogspot.com/2017/05/first-love-quiz-ae-stallings.html Such a great poem!
It is, isn’t it? It is the first time I saw the quiz form used, but the examples you linked to here were pure gold! I am always so inspired by your prompts, as well as your beautiful writing Mary.
thank you, Imola!
How to start a religion:
1. Pick a Place:
a. start small. perhaps your living room would do but then again there might be jostling for that wing chair with a lovely flowered print. No one wants the couch because although it seats three, the first two people aren’t going to want to welcome a third stuck in their midst.
b. Meet outside in a circle in your backyard. This solves the problem of who gets what seat, at least if you rent folding chairs, but there are all those other pesky issues such as weather, gnats, the endless drone of cicadas, reminding you that God sent locusts to talk the Pharaoh into letting the Jews go free, which initially convinced him, but then again on second thought, he changed his mind. On second thought, perhaps a circle in the grass is not your best.
c. Then again there’s Friendly’s. First there’s the name--Friendly’s –good name for your new religion-- and then there’s the ice cream which is always a draw. Think of the combination of God and ice cream. Yum.
2. Select your holy text.
a. Find it hidden in a cave or a tree or a bottle bobbing in the sea, or between the lines in a Salman Rushdie novel.
b. But then there is the issue of what language the text would be in –not English. if it’s in some indecipherable text, only you could interpret it -- a frisson of leadership which you didn’t get when you were coaching Little League. From Little League to preacher is not that big a leap.
c. Ask AI to generate a holy text using only the words, ark, cripple, scroll, slingshot, snake, redemption, salvation, ice cream, praise, and terror.
2. Publicity: how can you convince people to give up the New York Times or Sunday Weekend review to come listen to you inspire them?
a. you could put an announcement in the Yankee trader, which would be free, but do you really want the Yankee Trader bargain hunters?
b. there’s word-of-mouth, but that would require a fervent base of followers to do your proselytizing. As no one follows you right now, not even your kids when you ask them to put their dishes in the sink after dinner, you’ll need to work on your promotion skills.
c. Forget about the crowds, forget about where you meet or the nature of your holy text, just start your religion on Substack. That way people can find your life’s wisdom anytime. Are you going to put the comments section on or off? Do you really want to hear their comments? These are questions you may wish to put God.
Also, put up a paywall--nobody gets religion for free.
Hook them cheap then bleed them dry is my watchword.
I am adored by millions of humans who began on my Eezy-Pay Installment Plan (EPIP). Now they are my mindless adepts. Did they need those cars and houses? Retirement plans? Fancy schools for their kids? They did not. Did they need ME in their hearts and lives? You bet they did. They all say so.
Nice to see this pop up just as I was finally writing my Sunday story! Looking forward to fun just around the bend...
A ladder of length l rests against the wall of a domestic building. At the foot of the ladder, Sandy, aged A years old (49 < A < 55) holds a rose in his mouth.
Sandy climbs the ladder. His initial velocity is R rungs per minute, though he decelerates at 2.5 rungs per minute per minute as his height, h, increases. The ladder begins to oscillate with frequency, lambda, which is variable depending upon the lateral oscillation with a centre of rotation at each knee.
Anne views the scene from an upstairs window of the domestic building. Her field of vision is limited to angle theta such that none of Sandy nor ladder nor teeth-clenched rose are visible to her under initial conditions.
Sandy had completed a similar climb when his age was 50% of A. That time, the oscillations of the ladder had been trivial. That time, Anne’s field of vision had also been blurred by tears, tears of youth and hope not disappointment and rage.
Sandy calculates the probability, P, of a safe ascent in the range 0.1 to 0.25. The probability of a successful outcome in the event of a safe ascent is known to be below 10%, some would say well below. But still, he is determined to try, though this determination (a sadly unquantifiable variable in itself) is not transferred from his heart to his knees.
When h=10, the oscillations attain a frequency that is resonant within the closed system of ladder, knees and wall. At this point, Sandy, to take his mind off the sudden variability in h begins mental calculations. Unfortunately, these calculations indicate a rapidly decreasing probability of even a safe descent.
The value of h now remains constant. That is to say, he is stuck halfway up the ladder, which continues its furious unsteadiness.
Sandy has now found himself in a zero-sum game. His calculations lead him to the conclusion that there is nothing within the laws of mechanics that discriminates between an increasing and a decreasing value of h. That is, he may as well head up as down.
As h reaches a liminal value, the lurchings of the ladder cause the angle theta to exceed 15 degrees. Though this sounds minimal, it is more than enough to induce a chain reaction in the system of fulcrums and levers. He’s going down.
Just as the rate of increase in theta reaches a terminal acceleration, Anne reaches down from the window and grasps the ladder. The system is momentarily in equilibrium.
a) Calculate a sentence, S, for Sandy to say to Anne in order to sustain the equilibrium.
b) Show that S=0 is as good a solution as any other.
What a mind you have, Niall. Fantastically out there. And romantic, to boot. I love S replicating what he did when he was 50% of A.
yes, I agree about Niall's mind!
me too!
Wow. Please calculate that sentence for me!
All the physics and engineering language works so extraordinary well -- just intelligible enough for a non-expert to get purchase, and offering such a feel of precision, just the finest texture of feeling to each stage of the whole operation.